In Lak'ech
by theresnomeaning
Summary: Severus just wants to keep Harry alive, no matter the costs. But can he forgive himself afterwards?


_**Summary:**__ Severus just wants to keep Harry alive, no matter the costs. But can he forgive himself afterwards? _

_**Words: **__3751_

_**Warnings: **__this is the very first HP fanfic I ever wrote. It was lost on my HD because I was a bit aprehensive to publish it. This is a bit dark story, and I would say it is even twisted. It does have a happy ending, though, because I wasn't that cruel to end this badly. _

_It contains: torture, non-con, chan and some twisted situations. It is not overly graphic, but some of you might find it disturbing nonetheless. Proceed with caution._

_Non DH-compliant. This story supposes that Harry was captured after Dumbledore's death on the Astronomy Tower in HBP._

_I think I should say that the characters are OoC._

_**Pairings: **__HP/SS, HP/SS/LV_

_"In Lak'ech" is a mayan expression that means I am another yourself._

**In Lak'ech**

Potter is on the floor, trying to get a breath. Just one, it's all he needs... He has just another two seconds - three, at the most - before the pain of another curse hits him, and then he won't be able to breathe. Again. My fellow Death Eaters make a line to throw a curse at him. I already threw mine; in fact, I was given the honour of being the first one. Bellatrix Lestrange shot me daggers with her glare when the Dark Lord declared my "gift".

His lips are bleeding profusely, not because they - _we _- hurt them, but because Potter himself bit them trying not to scream. He wouldn't give us that. He won't scream. He won't beg. He won't cry... But he already cried, and soon he will plead, too. It is just a matter of time. However, Potter's not aware of that. I am.

I wish to bring Albus Dumbledore back to life and kill him again, but this time, slowly, painfully. I don't want to be here. I'd rather be killed than...

He screams like a wounded animal. It was Rodolphus turn, who has a particular liking for burning curses. Potter shudders and close his eyes. I think he knows that those two emerald orbs will show pain, and he won't give us that. Yet.

Bellatrix's laughter unnerves me. High pitched sounds that have the ability to chill your very soul. The Dark Lord watches everything with glee on his eyes.

It's Lucius turn and he uses a Crucio... Part of my brain sneers at his obvious lack of creativity, and the other part... Well, the other part just stays there, quiet, watching everything with blank, indifferent eyes - or maybe they are staring at the boy with feigned glee. It would expected from me, to be pleased with Potter's torture.

The rest of the Inner Circle continues to throw curses at him, Potter's body jerks, convulses and sometimes he screams, sometimes he just whimpers... And sometimes his big green eyes stares at one of us. As it seems, he gave up on trying to hide he pain inside them, and then he looks at us with defiance, as if daring us to do worse. Stupid Gryffindor! Doesn't he know that we can, that we will do worse?

He loses his consciousness and, again, someone uses an _Ennervate_ to wake him up. There is a third part of my brain now, thinking, plotting, planning. Trying to find a way to take both of us out of this situation. But there is no way out...

The Dark Lord tells me to go and curse Potter again. The two parts of my brain are starting to annoy me... One tells me to use an ordinary _Cruciatus_, that at least will keep him from death... The other wants to use a _Sectumsempra_ aimed at his neck and perhaps put him out of his misery...

And Albus' words come to my mind. The Dark Lord must kill Potter.

I take a lot of time cursing the boy. I had to use an _Ennervate_ because he lost consciousness when a particular strong bone breaking curse hit his leg.

Please forgive me.

Forgive me Lily.

Forgive me Potter.

For some reason I don't want him to die, even though I know this is needed... I am a selfish man and I could hide Potter until he dies, until he is old. I could protect him...

Protect Potter. Yes I am doing and excellent job - holding him under the _Cruciatus_ for two minutes now...

We could leave Britain to its own damnation and when Potter died the Horcrux within him would be gone as well...

"Severusss," the Dark Lord hisses "You are enjoying yourself quite a lot..."

Am I? I am just trying to hurt him less... Or that's what I tell myself to justify his writhing body on the floor and his silent screams.

The Dark Lord orders the others to leave. Years of Occlumency stop me from feeling fear - or from allowing me to acknowledge the fear.

I just killed Albus Dumbledore, he must be convinced of my loyalties.

"I remember, Severus, that years ago you pleaded me for the life of one Lily Potter," he says and I skip a breath. "I remember her, you know... Silly, silly mudblood that begged me to spare her son... Did you desire her, Severus?"

What kind of question was that? No, I never really desired Lily... She was just my friend.

"Yes," I say coolly. It is better if he thinks that all I felt for her was lust.

He smiles and his crimson eyes shine with something. He has an idea.

"Seeing as you are so loyal to me, Severus, to the point of killing the only man who tried to give you a second chance," he mockingly speaks "I think you should have a gift..."

He takes something out of his robes. A vial of potion.

"Give him this," he says handing me the vial. I open and smell it briefly. I myself brewed this vile thing... I know what's in there, and I know what it causes. A part of my brain reminds me that I still have a role to play. "I was going to kill him, but I thought you would like to have him. From what I've heard, you hate him so much that I came to believe that there is more to this story..."

I smirk and my eyes - I wouldn't want to look at them now - shine with malice.

"I see that you appreciate my gift, Severus."

I don't hesitate on feeding Potter the potion... That would just kill me. I roughly open his mouth and pour the contents, forcing him to swallow. He is unconscious, and it's better this way.

"It is very satisfactory, my Lord."

Forgive me, Lily. Forgive me, Potter. Forgive me, Albus.

Buy what I did is unforgivable.

"Heal him, Severus, or he will soon die, as you know..." I nod and take out of my robes several healing potions. "Not here... Take him to a private room," the Dark Lord reprehends me, but something on his eyes is just... Mischievous. I must be his favourite right now. "It is very fortunate that he has her eyes, isn't it, Severus?"

How do you know that? I ask myself.

"Yes, my Lord," I say and the Dark Lord laughs. Laughs!

"Don't play the sentimental, Severus, I know that his eyes are not, at all, what interests you. I want o watch sometime when you enjoy him," he adds before leaving the room.

**#**

I watch Potter sleeping. He's healed, but scars mark his otherwise sooth skin. I wonder if I shouldn't just kill him and then myself right after...

His scar - _that_ scar - takes my attention... It is... Smaller. This is something odd.

He whimpers on his sleep and I feel my hand inwardly moving towards his hair - his father's so hated hair - and sooths it.

I shouldn't touch him. Never.

"Please, no!" he feebly mutters and I reckon if he is dreaming about his recent torture. Were those the pleas he contained before? Is he seeing us torturing him again? Is he watching me cursing him? Feeding him that potion?

But he wouldn't know what that vile concotion caused. But soon he will...

He trashes on the bed, and my hand is still trying to calm him, even if the whole situation is absurd. If he woke up now, Potter would flinch away from me.

It wasn't supposed to be like that, but I should have known better that to hope for better. I am a Slytherin, not a foolish Gryffindor that tries to see the best on everybody. But...

But there is a hope, and for once in my life I attach myself to it.

Hour pass, and Potter is still asleep. His scar is even smaller now. Something good came out of the whole ordeal, at least.

When he finally wakes up, I receive a glare that expresses all the disgust in the world. I deserve it. Ten points to Gryffindor. There is betrayal on his eyes too, and for once I have to agree with the Dark Lord - I am not interested on his eyes, I can't look at them any more. His posture still shows defiance.

You run from the truth, Severus.

Should I break him the news?

"Potter," I say neutrally. "You are not to try anything foolish. As long as you stay inside this room, you will remain unharmed," internally I bitterly laugh, because I've already hurt him beyond repair, and I will hurt him again.

He stares at me.

"Sod off, Snape. Don't you think that I will remain quiet like a good little minion. I won't!"

"You have no magic any more, Potter," I bark. "You were given a potion that contained unicorn blood. You were cursed, and the result was the loss of magic."

That. I said it.

"You're lying!" he shouts. I want to tell him that I wish it was a lie... "You are a liar, the best of liars!"

No, child, I am the worst of liars.

"And a traitor, a filthy traitor! He asked you, he asked you!"

And I want to yell and tell him that Albus was asking me to kill him. But Potter wouldn't believe me...

**#**

It's been a week, and I can't lie to the Dark Lord any more and say that Potter is still recovering. And it has also been a week since I began to really see the boy.

And I wish I hadn't.

Because I know what will be demanded from me, and I fear that I will enjoy it.

Forgive me, Lily, Albus... Forgive me, Potter.

He is beautiful, and oh God, I like to touch his skin when he's sleeping under the influence of a potion. I never dared to touch him when he's awake. I don't want him to accuse me of my sins. He is warm, and he smells of freedom and... Sweetness.

And I know that to some extent I will enjoy taking him. And this scares me, so much that three times I already uncorked the vial containing a powerful poison, but I couldn't bring myself to drink it.

Later, a lesser ranked Death Eater informed me that the Dark Lord would want me to entertain him tonight.

So it is tonight that I have to finally commit my final crime.

I wake Potter and try to read his mind. Pleasure feels my entire being when his mind seems blank to me. Of course, he has no magic in order to be legilimized. Which means that I can explain, I can ask him to cooperate... The Dark Lord will never know.

But will the boy trust me?

Trust me, please. One more time...

"You are one of the Dark Lord's Horcruxes," I said bluntly and he looked at me with wide eyes. For once I did enjoy looking at them, since he was only surprised and those orbs had no accusation. "In your scar," I add. His scar is almost gone... "That's why you can speak Parseltongue. It also explains the connection you have with him."

"That's why you all didn't kill me!" he accuses.

"No, it is not."

"I am not idiot as you think, Snape!" he shouts at me. "Of course he won't kill me if I am one of his... Things," he spat in disgust. Yes, it must be disgusting to know that you carry a piece of the Dark Lord's soul."

"He doesn't know, Potter," that's all I say before walking out of the room.

I return two hours later. My mind is on fire... I open the door and grab him by the shoulders, staring right at his eyes.

There is the usual disgust and defiance, but he is also scared. I use a spell to keep him unable to move and begin to strip him...

He is very scared, and I hope that he understood what I just did. I wouldn't be able to prepare him, not in front of the Dark Lord. Why would I, Severus Snape, cruel, ruthless Death Eater care to prepare the boy I am going to rape?

"I am sorry, Potter," I murmur and levitate him, walking out of the room.

Please, believe me.

**#**

The Dark Lord smiles evilly when I enter Potter. The spell is still in place, because I fear that I will stop if he squirms and then we will be both killed.

And oh God, I actually got hard looking at him. I did.

Potter's right, I am filthy. But he is so beautiful and desirable. And I still think that somehow I will free both of us from this - without seeking for death.

He must hurt, because I'm using no lubricant, but I hope that I am not hurting him... Too much.

"It's a pity that he can't scream... But you have always been quite the eccentric, Severus."

I don't want to say what I am going to say, but I know what is expected from me...

"Perhaps you could try and make him scream, my Lord."

Please, ignore me, Potter. Don't listen to these atrocious words.

He must think that I hate him that much...

I don't. And I want to tell him this.

"Yes, this is quite tempting, my dear Severus. But not today..."

I speed up my thrusts, trying to ignore the sweetness that is being inside Potter, and at the same time enjoying it.

I grunt when I come, avoiding his eyes.

Forgive me, Harry.

**#**

A month passes, and Potter's scar is completely gone. When the Dark Lord inquired me about that I said that since he has no magic any more, the magic on the scar left his body.

Voldemort, of course, doesn't know what kind of magic was there.

"Potter," I call and he snaps his eyes open. He has been silent since that night. I think he is ashamed.

Don't be ashamed, the only one who should feel this way is me.

"_Serpensortia!_" I say quietly and watch the snake slithering on the floor. That reminds me of his second year, when the whole school found out that he was a parselmouth. "Talk to it," I order.

"I'm not doing anything you want, Snape! Aren't you happy just fucking me?"

No, I'm jot happy at all.

"Talk to it, Potter, or I will put you under the _Cruciatus_."

He opens his mouth and looks at the snake, but nothing comes.

"I can't talk to it," he whispers.

Hope. There is hope.

"Have you felt any pain on your scar in the last days?"

He refuses to answer me.

But I know that he hasn't.

That somehow that one Horcrux is no more.

"Why are you doing this?" he asks me.

Because I have no choice.

Instead of saying that, though, I lean and kiss him. He protests, of course, but I just want him to understand.

I don't hate you, Harry.

I still watch him while he sleeps, and I always touch him. I convince myself that I did the right thing. So many years I've passed protecting him and I couldn't let him die - not even if Albus Dumbledore had ordered me.

And here he is. His skin is still smooth...

And he is alive. I can't imagine a world without him - and believe me, I tried!

And that's why I did all I could to keep him breathing. Even if I tortured, raped and took his magic away.

Because I'm selfish, and I need to have something constant on my life... So, if I must choose, I prefer Harry Potter to be my much needed constant thing instead of the Dark Lord and the other Death Eaters.

Only that I don't deserve it.

But I'm a Slytherin, so I get what I want. Always.

**#**

Sometimes I entertain myself with the idea that Harry understands me. The idea that he will one day forgive me is very tempting.

My own mirror of erised.

Since the day when I kissed him he keeps looking me when he thinks I'm too distracted to notice.

Do you understand, Harry?

Please, do.

Years of protecting the boy and I came to... Care about him.

To care more than I should.

In ways that I shouldn't.

Forgive me, Harry.

And I ask this not just because everything you know I've done. No, I ask this because of the realization that I...

Love you.

As if someone like me deserved such thing.

There must be a tiny and idiotic part of my being that expects you to love me back. But I know better, and the reality is that I dared too much just for loving you.

The Dark Lord has been away for a month now, but his magic still holds the wards on the manor. He must die.

**#**

He is naked and afraid. If my plans succeed, soon he will be free. We will both be.

Part of me is sad, because he will not only be free from the Dark Lord. Harry Potter will be also free from me. And he will forever feel disgusted by me, no matter what I do to help him now.

And I...

I will love him.

The Dark Lord enters him roughly, and Harry shuts his eyes tightly. I resist the urge to turn my face away. I don't want to see this. Of course I refrain myself from such foolish act.

Voldemort is a sick bastard, not that I didn't know this before, of course...

He suggested that we both fucked Harry at the same time.

My Harry.

I am fully clothed and the Dark Lord doesn't question me the reason behind that. He trusts me blindly, and this will be his downfall. The greatest Legilimens alive can't see what I am planning. Smugly, so, I conclude that I must be the best Occlumens.

I picture Harry squirming with pleasure beneath me. I imagine how he would moan, sweet little sounds that I would be able to make him emit, if only I wasn't a Death Eater and he the Boy-Who-Lived... If only perhaps I could convince him that all I did was to protect him, to keep his life...

I kneel and unceremoniously out my cock on his and order him to suck it. I look him on the eyes. His hands slide inside my robes where he knows I put a knife. The Dark Lord is lost on his own stolen pleasure, but he smirks when he sees how hard I am - he must think that this is because I like to see he brutally raping Harry. Bastard!

So he trusts me, at least a bit. Harry trusts me enough to actually take the knife. He trusts me enough to not think that this is a trap.

Thank you, Harry.

He takes the knife and waits some seconds. He is still sucking me.

And then, he turns away and screams. The Dark Lord laughs...

And he laughs...

And he looks at his chest and sees the knife. Right in the heart. The Dark Lord will die at any moment. Yes, he will still have some Horcruxes, but I can take care of them later. He will be gone for some years.

I summon my wand and pull Harry towards me, and then I cast an _Incendio_ on the Dark Lord. Some seconds later the wards fall - I can feel it - and the doors burst open. The other Death Eaters must know that something has happened. They don't have time to cast a single spell, because I apparate both of us.

It's a safe house, I know. Nobody knew of its existence, not even Albus...

And then, pain.

The first time the Dark Lord was vanquished it didn't hurt this way. My arm is burning... I would gladly cut it off if I were coherent enough to do so...

Blinding, hot, white pain. And then darkness. I welcome it...

**#**

I wake up and feel hands caressing my cheek, soothing my hair. For some seconds I wonder who is doing this. Am I dead?

I refuse to open my eyes, because then the dream will end, and I will be in Hell...

The hands continue.

Gathering all my courage, I open my eyes, only to see Harry's.

Why is he soothing me? Why is my head - only now I realized that - on his lap?

I try to move, to get away from him, but strong, yet gentle hands, hold me on place.

"Shhh," he continues to sooth my hair. "It's all right."

No, absolutely not! It's not all right. I try to say that, but my jaw feels heavy. Did he give me a potion to cause that?

"Don't try to talk," he says, seeming to notice my anxiety. "I gave you a muscle relaxant, because you seemed to be in too much pain. Sorry, perhaps O overdosed you a bit," he adds with a shy smile. Foolish Gryffindor, wasting your smile on me!

His hands caressing me are so gentle, so comforting that I sleep.

On the next time I wake the smell of coffee invades my nose.

Harry is looking at me. He hands me a mug of coffee and I take it without saying a word.

Why is he still here?

I drink my coffee in silence, a bit unnerved because he can't stop to stare at me. I guess he has the right to stare, though, after everything I did.

"Harry, I..." the useless plea for forgiveness is the first thing that begins to slip from my mouth

"Shhh," he puts a hand on my lips, trying to silence me. "I understand. You still have to explain why you killed him, but I understand. I... I forgive you."

I want to say that all those _Cruciatus_ might have messed with his head and that his mind is really fucked up, but then he leans and kisses me.

Stop it! You will regret this later, foolish boy! Stop it!

But I kiss him back, instead of doing the right thing. One more time I don't do the right thing.

"I forgive you, my Prince," he whispers.

And then I wish I could be him, to forgive myself too.


End file.
